It started off like every other big party my mates and I did when we were 19yo. Smoking crack pipes filled with speed and filling our pockets with ecstasy tablets for a big day rave which we planned to continue over the weekend. We were all very excited, pumping tunes and vibes were high. When we arrived at the day festival there were 10’s of thousands of people there, all ready to party, big stages flashing lights and good times.
About 5 hrs into it and about an hour after my first ecstasy pill, the rush was coming over me. I was in the middle of the crowd watching the DJ on the stage. The rush of ecstasy feels amazing but this time something was different. I looked around and noticed that everyone was looking at me. Everyone was talking about me. I realised that I was the main event. Everyone there had coached me to this event as a disguise and I was in fact the headline of the show. They were going to take me onto the main stage and humiliate me and do something bad to me. There maybe aliens involved too and they will take me away. The rush turned into adrenalin, its now about survival, where do I go to get away from 10’s of thousands of people who want to hand me over to aliens? I’m freaking out. I must’ve said some strange things to my friends and they took me out of the crowd and sat with me on the hill. I was telling them I was scared about what all these people want from me.
One of my mates was studying medicine and he advised me to take 3 ecstasy pills at once to help with my paranoia. So, I did. I took all three at once and got a leave pass from the festival. Within 20 minutes I was so munted by the pills I could hardly walk. I had blurry vision and I was all over the shop. I wasn’t thinking so much of the paranoia the pills masked it with heavy ecstasy. But within an hr the paranoia was back. My mates took me home and gave me Valium. I went to bed.
The next day I woke up and I thought it was all a dream. I was so confused about what happened. I asked my mates what happened and they said I was tripping. I felt alright and brushed it off as a weird once off trip.
Over the next 7 years I continued my drug usage, and it went from speed and ecstasy to ice, GHB and every other drug we got our hands on. I experienced many psychotic episodes but pushed through with my drug usage. The psychosis reached a point where I was in constant state of fear whether I was using drugs or not. The radio was reporting on my life, helicopters chasing me, friends where out to get me. Then depression came along. It was sooooo hard to get out of bed. I thought I was a waste of space and even breathing in air was wasting precious recourses for everyone else on the planet. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression and psychosis, and given medication for it.
I finally said enough is enough with the drugs. I had my last hit of ice on a new year’s party when I was 25yo. I told everyone in the room that this would be my last hit, so I hit it one more time and I have never used since. I knew I had to quit, my mental health was a disaster, I was overweight from medication and I felt miserable and psychotic.
A few years passed and I was kind of working on the anti-depressants and anti-psychotic pills I had, but I was sick of being so overweight. I joined a gym and got fit and healthy. With my doctors help I came off the medication and that mixed with my new diet and training, I lost 26kgs and never felt better.
I found a new medicine, exercise. I trained really hard every day. After about a year and half of training I experienced mix states and absent feeling. It was bizarre. I felt like I was absent from my body, unable to feel anything. I would go to the gym and put in 100% and it felt like nothing.
There was a knock on my door, I answered it and it was the sheriff. They gave me notice to pay toll way bills in excess of $20k within a week, otherwise they would arrest me.
I freaked out. I didn’t know what to do. I spoke to my dad; I only remember one thing he said to me in that conversation. “you don’t always NEED to know what you’re going to do next” I thought he’s right. I’m just going to act without thinking.
I was seeing a girl at this stage. Its complicated. She had a boyfriend which suited me back then, it meant that we wouldn’t get too close and I could do what I wanted. But I fell for her a bit. So, I got in the car immediately drove to her house. As I was driving, I felt this energy come from up my feet, up my legs to my stomach and torso up my neck and to my head. It felt like I was on drugs but even better than any drug I’ve had before. I thought that id cracked a secret source of energy just by acting without thinking. I arrived at her house and she told me to leave, her boyfriend was in the back of the house. After some discussion I came home. I couldn’t sleep so I hit the town bar hopping not drinking much but talking to heaps of people and having a good time.
I stalled the sheriff with a letter from my lawyer saying I had mental health issues and were working on a solution to the fines. In the mean time I went out and bought new clothes, I arranged sub-contractors to do all my work for me so I went galivanting around bay side. I was on fire this was the best ive ever felt, I didn’t need to sleep, I was confident, optimistic, in charge, fit and strong.
One night I decided I wanted to meet new people so I got dressed up in a suit and went to Sandringham yacht club. When I arrived, there was only one table of people inside. A woman behind the bar saw me standing outside and she came and opened the door for me. She asked if I was there for the wedding.
“wedding? Perfect I thought”
“yes, I’m here for the wedding”
She showed me where it was and I made my way to the bar, got a drink and started talking to a woman who was holding a baby. I got all the information I needed from her like the names of bride and groom and what he did for work etc. I came up with a story that I worked with grooms’ mate a while ago.
I started dancing with the family and having a great time, then I was dancing with a bridesmaid, we made out and then she said that I better be careful because her ex-husband is here and is very drunk and a jealous.
The groom got up and called for speeches and for everyone to go to their seats. I followed the bridesmaid to her seat but she was sitting on the bridal party table and there wasn’t a spare seat. This exposed me I found my self standing in front of the groom while everyone was sitting. Then the drunk jealous ex husband came up to me and asking who I was. It quickly came up that I wasn’t invited to the party and the groom and bridal party with the security guard all guided me outside and told me not to come back.
When I got outside it was late, there was a worker taking down the flag, I told him I just left the wedding to get some fresh air and now the door is locked behind me, can you let me back in/ sure he said and let me back in, I walked back into the wedding and all the groomsmen ran to me, they lifted me up and one of them through me over his knee at the top of the stairs, by the time I was kicked out, I was in a lot of pain, I couldn’t walk properly, turns out later I ripped a muscle near my hip and buttocks.
These antics continued for a month and came to an end when I joined an iron man competition I wasn’t invited to, I jumped into port Phillip bay fully clothed competing with the athletes. The life savers eventually came to get me and called the ambulance. When I arrived at emergency I was lying in bed. They were taking many blood tests. Something amazing happened. Everything made sense. Life made sense, I understood….life. I didn’t believe in Jesus Christ before, but I had a profound experience that I was the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. I was put in the psych ward for a month and they diagnosed me with manic psychosis. I was un aware that it was same thing as Bipolar.
2 years passed and I was convinced that spiritual development would cure my mental illness and I wouldn’t need to be on medication any more.
I got fired from my job for having an argument with the boss’s brother. When that happened, I decided to work full time on my spiritual development. I read a book, the power of now and practiced it. for 6 months all I would do is sleep, meditate, walk in the bush, train at the gym and eat moderately.
I reached a new high in my spiritual development and was convinced that I didn’t need medication any more. With my GP’s help I started to come off the medication. I began working again I was doing 16 hr days, still meditating and going to the gym. The less pills I took, the more energy I had. Until one day I was down to just one 250mg of lithium a day. I was flying, and psychotic but I wasn’t properly aware of it yet.
I went to a property investment seminar with Dad. I realised that this was a spiritual court house and they were deciding my fate. I had broken some rules they were not happy about and I was to be handed a punishment. I freaked out and told Dad I wasn’t feeling that good. We eventually drove to the hospital and I was admitted to the psych ward for another week.
This was the first time I heard the Bipolar word. When I got out of hospital, I couldn’t even make a sandwich. I forgot how to make a sandwich, I was ruminating a lot, thoughts going over and over and over in my head. I was on so many more meds, I couldn’t get out of bed. When I finally did get out of bed I sat on a table and I cried. “what have I done with my life?” I thought. I’ve got bi polar for life, I can’t work, I can’t even look after myself, how am I supposed to achieve my dreams and even look after my self for the rest of my life?
Bit by bit I got better and better. I joined the bipolar support group who have been great and given me tools and tips and support to achieve my dreams. I’m still on my journey to achieve my dreams. I take my meds because I need them. Bi Polar has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given. It has given me incredible insight to who I am and meaningful relationship with myself and others. The highs have been fun and entertaining, the lows and psychosis have made me strong.